A Story About Context, Losing My Pants at a Nude Beach, and a Long Night of Facepalm

When I was still living in Moscow, I went to the nude beach one day (I went by myself, I wanted to swim and think), and I managed to forget where I had hidden all of my clothes. So I freaked out a little bit, and walked around, and walked around, and I found my clothes at last. But then I had a brilliant idea to go back into the river, and I didn’t dare hide my clothes again.

Now what? The clothes are all wet. So I call my mom’s colleague who lives nearby. My mom’s colleague had a reputation of a horrid womanizer (and supposedly, he was very pretty but we were out of each other’s leagues due to the age difference). So we used to hang out as friends and talk about life. I liked to listen to his ideas, and to eat pistachios that he always had in his living room. My mom, knowing his reputation, made him swear that he wouldn’t get any ideas about me, and it was all cool.

So, I call him, invite myself over, I am 18, I am perpetually torn and conflicted about this thing or another, the dude is neutral, and I can dry my clothes, what can possibly go wrong?

So we talk for a bit, and he says I can stay over while the clothes are drying, so he gives me the couch and goes to sleep in the other room.

I remove my wet clothes (finally), and I am about to go to sleep when the guy yells from the other room, “If you are lonely, come over!” Now, remember I promised a moment of facepalm? Coming up!

Being 18, I was completely clueless, and I had no idea that it was a “line”. A 40-year-old man was just one of the adults, and certainly not a romantic object in any way. I thought it was obvious to him, too. Plus, he was my mom’s colleague and kind of a friend. So, it was a no-brainer. I was lonely!! Very. Very lonely, very tormented, and very happy to have human company. Just that, human company.

So I yell back with much honesty, “I can come over but I don’t have any clothes on, it might be uncomfortable for you, are you sure?”

“No, no,” he says, “no worry at all, come over!”

In my confident mind of a child, I assume that we have a verbal agreement, and the terms are clear. He is okay with sleeping next to my naked self as a friend, not weird at all. As obviously outlandish as it sounds today, at the time, it sounded perfectly normal. Because, we are friends, right? And don’t forget, I have never thought twice about nudity, and besides, it was perfectly normal among my friends to hang out in the same bed with people of the opposite gender and, I don’t know, tell jokes or something… I suppose too much Dostoevsky does that to you!

So I arrive in his bedroom, and then of course he tries things, and I get very pissed and remind him that he promised, and that there is no way, and that he should abandon all hope. And I fall asleep. What went through his mind, I don’t know, but as an adult now, I don’t feel too sorry for him. I was admittedly ridiculous but he was kind of a dick given the circumstances, and didn’t he break his promise to my mom?

Years later, I told her and she was very mad. But I guess I stood up for myself just fine.

I heard he moved to Germany and married a very rich woman. Whatevrs.